Most parents don't have a lot of time to plead, beg, bicker or repeat themselves. That is why I am a proponent of the "Tell, Don't Ask" policy when dealing with children.
I learned the beauty of "Tell, Don't Ask" from a seasoned teacher dedicated to the conservation of time and energy. It Simpson-like charm is that it simply limits opportunities for what I refer to as "disappointment."
My first practice teaching lessons were prepared with love and tender concern, and sprinkled with fun so that learning would be an adventure. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why these cute little students refused to cooperate. Observing my errant use of options, my Master Teacher set me straight saying, "Good Lord, young lady. You don't ask children. We don't have all week. Tell them!"
"Shall we do our workbook lesson$%:" became "Open your workbook to page 45." The results were astounding. They actually did what I said. I converted faster than white rice. "Tell, Don't Ask" became a part of my regime and liberated me from a great deal of "disappointment."
Here are the rules of engagement for the "Tell, Don't Ask" policy:
1. Remove any sign of questioning, either in your sentence formation, intonation. or if in print, the use question marks.
2. All communications relaying a command are then punctuated with confidence that it will be done. This is perceived as authority and will not win you friends but it will influence people.
When I became a parent, I adopted this policy for the home front because my Master Teacher showed me that sometimes choice can sabotage you. Examples of this are yes/no questions such as, "Do you want to eat your peas$%:" or "Would you like to take out the garbage now$%:" Of course the answer will be "no" so why shoot your self in the foot$%: I reserve the yes/no format for clarification or for use during interrogations.
Examples of the transformational power of "Tell, Don't Ask" in the home are:
"Did you clean your room$%:" becomes "Clean your room. Now.
"Will you bring me that laundry$%:" becomes "Bring me the laundry if you'd like to go to your friend's house."
I admit that at first it seemed cold and militaristic, a way to entice dirty looks and limit spontaneity. In short order I warmed up to it.
Of course there are times we can offer choices instead of directives. I always ask my kids if they like what I made for dinner, if I look fat in this or that outfit, or if they think they deserve a treat.
While the family is an institution, schedules, precision and organization have little to do with most of what happens daily. You can start out with a plan, but things happen. Parents call this "flexibility" and we can handle a reasonable amount of it. Why push the envelope and invite situations sure to set things off balance like choices$%:
Don't believe that "Tell, Don't Ask" works$%: Try it. I won't have to ask you twice.
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